Moving Forward as a Mother and a Daughter

By Christine McLaughlin

Having a child changes everything -- not only your everyday life, but all of your relationships. How you relate to your spouse, your friends, and perhaps most notably, your mother, completely changes.

"You are no longer just your mom's daughter, but you're a mom in your own right," says relationship expert Sandra Reishus, author of Oh NO! I've Become My Mother (McGraw Hill). "You have a new role to establish with YOUR mom, which can be uncomfortable in the beginning."

Chances are, you are going to want to parent somewhat differently from how your parents did. This will not go unnoticed by your mom. And unless your mother is a rare saint, she will be unable to refrain from commenting on your parenting style. How should you respond? And is it possible to keep the peace? Yes. Here's how:
 
Why Mom Is Acting This Way
It's such a happy time -- a new child, a new grandchild -- and so why should there be so much stress between new moms and their mothers? Motherhood in some ways becomes the great equalizer between mother and daughter. For some new grandmothers, their most important role in life was to be "the mother" and without realizing it they are reluctant to give it up for fear of losing their identity, says Reishus. This may cause them to tell you just how to parent. In a way they can't control their need to tell you "how to do things best." For other grandmothers, it's the need to be the one who is revered that causes tension in the new dynamic. They want to be the "all knowing one" in terms of how to be a mother. Still others simply resent the change in family dynamics. They are so used to caring for you, they are lost now that your focus is entirely on someone else.
 
What to Say to Mom
Despite all that you are dealing with, you are probably better able than your mother to put this all in perspective. First, try sitting down with your mom and having a brief conversation, suggests Reishus. Remind her that while you are still her little girl, you have a new role that has superseded that position, at least for the time being.

If that doesn't work, and your mother continues to treat you as a child or act as a "know it all" when it comes to parenting, stop her as soon as she starts acting or saying something that crosses the line. Try this says Reishus: "Mom, I'm an adult and able to make my own decisions now. Please respect that." While that might be scary to do, simply ignoring the situation will not do either side any good, states Reishus.
 
How to Stick to Your Guns
No matter what your mother's reaction when you first take the firm stance of a new mother, remember to continually keep your mom updated on the changes that are occurring in your life and in your new role, suggests Reishus. This will open the lines of communication. If you have had a decent relationship up until now, include her in small and large ways with your family. 

For example, ask her to come over and feed the baby or do some gardening you can't get to. If you live far away, call and ask her questions about a few of the little and a couple of the big issues. It's important, according to Reishus, for your mom to be a part of your life but not included in everything. "It's your turn to have your own family and you want to experience this in your own way -- mistakes and all." Your mother needs to learn to understand that fact. You can even come out and say to her that you want to learn a few things by trial and error.
 
When to Pat Mom's Back
Most of all, don't forget to show your gratitude to your mother from time to time (not just on Mother's Day) verbally or through a letter, poem or an email. Give details on what she did right in raising you, what you saw her do, what she said to you, how she treated people, what she gave of herself and how you responded to those things. "This alone will make it very clear to your mother that you've safely made it to adulthood and are ready to move on to a relationship with her that's based on a friendship rather than a parent/child relationship," says Reishus. "If both of you can get there, you will be rewarded with a very special friendship."
 
Christine McLaughlin, a mother of two young boys, is a freelance writer, editor and author of the recently released The Dog Lover's Companion to Philadelphia.