Fixing Friendship Dilemmas

By Wendy S. Loughlin

"I get by with a little help from my friends," the Beatles famously sang. But what happens when a friend is more hurtful than helpful? What if you decide it's time to "break up" with a friend?

There are several reasons why you might choose to end a friendship, according to Marla Paul, author of The Friendship Crisis: Finding, Making, and Keeping Friends When You're Not a Kid Anymore. "You may have been let down or disappointed by a friend, you may feel she's neglectful, or you simply may have grown apart," says Paul.

Liz Reyner of Albany, New York, decided to break up with a friend when a cross-country move separated them. "There wasn't a clear reason for our friendship to continue," she says. "We had so little in common, and I came to realize that I wanted different things in my relationships."

Reyner ended the friendship in an indirect way, letting the relationship fade. "I stopped returning my friend's calls and e-mails," she says. "I kind of 'dropped off the face of the earth.'" Paul calls this approach "downgrading," and says it can be a good method for ending a friendship. "It's a slow drifting apart," she says. "And it allows you to resurrect the relationship if you feel differently in the future."

On the other hand, you may choose to totally end a friendship if you come to see your friend as "toxic" -- basically a negative, perhaps even harmful, part of your life. "If she criticizes or judges you, she tells you what to do, she talks about you behind your back, she can't handle your success, she repeatedly cancels plans, she complains constantly and loves to talk about herself -- these are all signs of a toxic friend," Paul says.

Carol Melendez of Syracuse, New York ended a friendship after a particularly painful experience. "My friend said some very hurtful things about me, and about my family, during a difficult time in my life," she says. "I was devastated. Not only was she not there for me when I needed her, she really hurt me."

Melendez took a direct approach to breaking up with her friend, writing her a letter explaining why she wanted to end the friendship. "It was painful, but it was something I needed do," she says. "I knew our friendship couldn't continue."

The difficulty of breaking up with a friend may be exacerbated if she's part of your social circle. "That can be awkward," Paul says. "If the two of you are part of a large group, continue to be polite, don't talk about her behind her back, and don't expect your other friends to take sides. If it's a smaller group, you may need to see people separately."
As with most breakups, a friendship breakup can be emotionally difficult. "A woman often mourns a lost friend, even if the friendship wasn't ideal," Paul says. "But ending a bad friendship opens up the opportunity to forge new friendships. It frees up your time and emotional energy."

Wendy S. Loughlin, a freelance writer based in Fayetteville, New York, is at work on her first novel.