Tame Your Temper

By Margit Ragland

While anger may seem like an uncontrollable emotion that rears it's head without much warning, actually, this emotion is fairly well understood by experts. Simply put, people get upset and angry when they don't get what they want, explains Carl Semmelroth, PhD, author of The Anger Habit and The Anger Habit in Parenting (Sourcebooks).

For example, if your child unexpectedly makes a mess just before company arrives, you're likely to get frustrated and angry.  In this situation, what you want is a clean house when your friends come over.  Or maybe your husband doesn't listen when you try to make weekend plans.  At that moment, you want to be heard.  Seems reasonable enough, right?

But things start to fall apart if the response to these wants is a hot-tempered one. Anger can be detrimental -- to you and to your relationships. It impacts the entire family.  "No other emotion plays such a disruptive role in our lives as anger," says Semmelroth. "When we are angry, our ability to reason, which is necessary for thoughtful decision-making, is impaired." Anger comes at a high price.

The good news is that each of us has it within our power to diffuse anger before it erupts.  So, next time you find yourself about to boil, try this step-by-step guide to taming your temper.

• Think about why you are angry. Is there something in your life that is making you unhappy? Are you stuck in an unrewarding work situation? Do unpleasant events bring to light upsetting events from your past? Do you find yourself frustrated with your husband about the same issue over and over?
• Realize why you have gotten worked up, and come up with a strategy for making your life better. Maybe it's time to move on from a bad work situation, or talk with your husband about more constructive ways to compromise. Or maybe consider taking time to improve your own personal outlook.
• Notice the specific circumstances that give rise to a loss of control. Are you always frustrated in the morning when you can't get everyone ready and out of the house on time? Or do you get angry when your husband is late coming home from work and dinner is cold? Maybe it's the third time your child spills his milk in the same week?
• Avoid blaming people who push your trigger buttons. Instead, make efforts to change a situation and remove the trigger all together. For example, plan for your busy mornings the night before; don't start dinner until everyone is home; and think about reinstating the spill-proof cup.
• Defuse anger when it strikes. Often times it's necessary to step back, relax and regroup. When you're angry it's difficult to think rationally. By simply removing yourself from the situation you are building in time for cooling off. When you really start to boil, try to distract yourself.  Instead of yelling, start humming or singing just as loud as you would have shouted. Or distract yourself by tensing and releasing different muscles in your body.
• Attempt to react rationally, not emotionally. How often do you find yourself thinking, "Oh no, everything is ruined?" In actuality, everything is seldom totally ruined. When you can't find your car keys, don't immediately start thinking, "who moved my keys this time." Instead, sit down and replay in your mind what was happening the last time you used your keys. Or when you are cut off in traffic by someone chatting on a cell phone, realize that beeping or tailgating does nothing to remedy the situation. Simply change lanes and get away from the unsafe driver.
• Start to make a habit of diffusing small situations, and over time your life will really start to change. With anger out of the way, you and your family can relish in the peace and warmth that abounds all around you.

Margit Ragland writes lifestyle, health, nutrition, fitness and parenting articles for the Web and print magazines, and hails from Boston, MA.