Sharing Time

By Julia Tolliver Maranan

When you have children, its natural for relatives and friends to want to get to know your little tykes. But with jam-packed schedules and far-flung families, it can be tricky to see everyone as much as they would like. Arthur Kornhaber, MD, child and family psychiatrist and founder and president of the non-profit Foundation for Grandparenting, offers suggestions for scheduling family fun so everyone feels included.

Discuss your expectations Kornhaber sees parents as the center of the family team, which means it's your responsibility to set the tone for your family's relationships. Talk with grandparents, other relatives and friends who want to be involved in your child's life about your family schedule -- in the short and long term. Then work together to set a reasonable schedule for getting together and plan some specific visits. By talking together about your family's needs and desires (even before your baby is born, if possible), you'll set the stage for communication, openness, and caring.

Cultivate good family relationships As much as you can, work through any issues you may have with your family so you can be good support systems for each other. "If the chemistry isn't good at the beginning, you still have to work at it," says Kornhaber. "Get past it for the kids." If you do have good relationships with both sides of your family, it may be possible to involve everyone on holidays, vacations, or other visits so no one feels left out. At the very least, if your in-laws know that they are important to you, they might be more understanding when you want to spend some extra time with your parents.

Get creative If you can't be there in person as much as you -- or your family -- would like, use technology like digital cameras and the Internet, old-fashioned snail mail, or even video- or audio-taped messages to keep in touch despite the distance. Kornhaber, who coined the term "cybergrandparenting," suggests setting up a family Web site where you can post photos and videos, or even try videoconferencing. Ask family and friends to send emails or letters that you can read to your children and have them draw pictures to send back. Or have Aunt Sue record herself reading a story and play it before bedtime.

Tackle problems pronto "Problems always come up, but they have to be immediately identified and talked through," says Kornhaber. If a friend or family member feels excluded, take them out to lunch and discuss the issue in a neutral environment without being critical or judgmental. Often, problems arise out of a lack of communication, and once you recognize where the misunderstanding lies, you can work to find a solution that everyone agrees with.

Julia Maranan, a former editor at Natural Health magazine, is a freelance writer and editor specializing in health and fitness.