Ask the Expert

Q: My mother is nearing death and I want to visit her often but I wonder if it's traumatic for my young children to see someone in her condition?

A: While it's most likely beneficial to your mother's health to have her grandchildren around, you're right it could be traumatizing for your kids unless they are well prepared. Evaluate her condition. Is she in an intensive care unit surrounded by tubes and medical machinery? If so, young children can be frightened by these images; they might be convinced that these contraptions will hurt their grandmother rather than help her. Explain that the devices and doctors are helping grandma. If she is at home in bed, talk about that too.

Be conscious of your own actions in the presence of your mother. Your children are likely to respond as you do, so try your best to remain in control, while reminding them that it is okay to cry, too.

The same applies to funerals. It is a good idea to prepare your children for death and talk about what it means. They won't really understand the concept until they are of school age, but they are still emotionally vulnerable and will depend on the support of their parents.

Carmen Alonso, MD, is Director of Residency Training for the Division of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry at the New York University School of Medicine. In addition, Dr. Alonso is a board certified pediatrician and is certified by the American Board of Psychiatry and Neurology, Inc. in child psychiatry.